My Tormentor
The chill outside matched his cold spirit
As he walked toward me with intention.
Prepared to belittle me
Remind me of what I am not,
Inform me of a version of myself.
The lack of sun matched my inability
As I stood mounted in intimidation.
Unprepared and little
Hearing what I might become,
If I succumb to the perception
He felt a need to voice.
I stood with no choice—
But to listen.
The sun crept out one day,
I chose to walk away.
As he told me I’d amount to nothing,
I amounted to turning around.
Fearing what was behind me,
Refusing to look back.
I stood with no choice—
But to listen.
The sun crept out one day,
I chose to walk away.
As he told me I’d amount to nothing,
I amounted to turning around.
Fearing what was behind me,
Refusing to look back.
Enyaaaaa, I LOVE this! I love your use of imagery here and your work with the weather. The beginning makes me feel anxious, as I assume the speaker is. But the ending leaves me empowered, just like the speaker. I don't necessarily have a critique but I would love to know the relationship between the speaker and the man!
ReplyDeleteI think most of us love it when those who are belittled find a way to overcome their hardships, and so I think most of us will like what this poem is doing. It's hard not to want the speaker in this poem to succeed. I think we are all kind people in this class and do care.
ReplyDeleteStill, this is a poem--in other words, a work of art, and so it can also be revised and probably improved.
My first thought is to fix the places where you are telling rather than showing. For example, in stanza two, everything is abstract and not descriptive. It is more effective to portray the bad intensions of this person, rather than just tell about it. Bring it to life with images in a scene! Make the fear and anxiety more real by projecting it onto the inner senses of your readers!
Second, the beginning of the poem is built on a controlling metaphor of chilly weather as a metaphor for a harsh social climate. But this gets abandoned by the end of the poem. Is that wise? Why not bring back the metaphor to make the poem feel more cogent?
I also think the poem will pop off the page more if we can see the quiet moment of triumph at the end, rather than being told about it, although you might want to keep that last line.
Hope this helps!
I love this poem! It's a very powerful topic and I love how you build to this moment of power that sort of comes towards the end of the poem because this is the feeling that the reader is left with. I do feel that you abandoned the weather theme half way through which is a shame because I really loved it and I think that it's a great metaphor for feelings. But I really love not just the topic but the structure and the way that the poem begins makes you feel like it's going to be a sad poem but then ultimately ends off on an entirely different and much better note!
ReplyDeletei love the control over language that you have. this becomes so clear in these lines: As he told me I’d amount to nothing,
ReplyDeleteI amounted to turning around.
you use a slur to reclaim your identity and it makes for a really powerful ending. this poem feels so real and has such a breezy read to it, despite having such a dark theme, which i think is so indicative of how positively you view the world