Fourteen Years
Fourteen years,
More than I knew you for.
It was easy to say eight years,
Five years ago.
After all this time
I begin to question,
Was it all in my head?
Because I remember you tucking me into bed.
After you read me that book,
Good night, you would say.
I love you, you would say.
Fourteen years ago.
I had eight years in heaven–
With you.
Now fourteen of you in heaven–
Without me.
You're in heaven so–
Am I in hell?
Life without you,
I can't think of another way to describe it.
Like the wind,
You were just gone.
No goodbye,
No opportunity to say hello.
As I tuck myself into bed
I hit my head,
But I am not dead.
I must feel the pain of life without you,
As time steals days
I could have had with you.
I love this poem. The suspense and questioning throughout the poem really amplify the sense of grief. I love the lines: As I tuck myself into bed, I hit my head. But I am not dead." I got goosebumps! I do think, though, that the period after head causes a bit of confusion- I would swap it for a comma. Also, theres a rhyme with heals and steals that causes a bit of inconsistency throughout the poem. Otherwise, it was a privilege to read this poem- very well written.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem too, especially the parts where you show rather than tell about what is going on, and the places where you avoid the same old way we always talk about things and find fresh language for your feelings. I like the parts in remembered dialogue, and I think this middle section is quite powerful:
ReplyDeleteI remember you tucking me into bed.
After you read me that book,
Good night, you would say.
I love you, you would say.
Fourteen years ago.
I had eight years in heaven–
With you.
Now fourteen of you in heaven–
Without me.
Your in heaven so–
Am I in hell?
Please do fix that distracting typo (it's "you're" not "your"), but in general this part feels so natural that it's quite moving. Good job.
Less effective in my opinion is when you rely upon worn-out language that convey the feeling of how people say thing when they are not trying. I find these parts to be a bit on the flat side:
a figment of my imagination
Life without you,
I can't think of another way to describe it.
They claim time heals
I would consider an edited ending:
I must feel the pain of life without you,
as time steals days
I could have had with you.
I like this as a last line in part because it has an iambic rhythm that I think adds dignity to the emotion. Just an idea!
I really like this poem. I like the last part the best, the opposition to the popular belief that time heals all wounds - with an argument that it doesn't heal but takes away from the one living. The ambiguity of the subject of the poem adds a mysterious tone, which keeps the reader guessing which I think is has a strong impact but also a confusing one. It is strong in the sense that it makes the poem relatable to anyone who has lost someone. But I also think it takes away from the personal intimacy it has to the speaker - with a little more clarity on the subject and their relationship to the speaker, I think it could have been impactful in a different way.
ReplyDeleteI was wowed by this poem and actually felt sad while reading it. I like the confusion the speaker shows pondering if they are in hell, because the one who passed away is in heaven. I also really liked the line in the last stanza that says, "As I tuck myself into bed I hit my head, But I am not dead." I felt that it brings the reader back to reality with the speaker. I appreciate the simplicity, but I also think you can add one more line somewhere where you talk about the loss in a way like you did in the line, "I must feel the pain of life without you". I loved this poem!
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this poem I really felt like it just flowed so well. The best way to describe it was like gliding through a cloud. The more descriptive lines of the poem are so well done and I think they stand out because the other lines are more mysterious.
ReplyDeleteThe flow of this poem is impeccable. I love how you connect all of the different thoughts; you portray the train of thought so that its not chaotic. I get the sense that the speaker is monotoned when this is voiced. And I love that because what they're discussing is already emotional so you didn't need to add in more emotion. I'm also obsessed with - "You're in heaven so- am I in hell?" Wowwww - I felt that. The only critique I'd have is maybe state the relationship between the speaker and "you".
ReplyDelete